For months I made it my life’s work to wean humanity from their wooly teat. The first step is to remove any likeness, products, or literature in your home involving sheep. This means that you’ll have to dispose of all Mother Goose & Grim stories (since they are so sheep-centric), as well as all sheep sock puppets, stuffed animals, and any wool.

I realize that you may have a lot of wool in your closet, but remember; this is for your emancipation. And come on, it’s 2005, there are better fabrics out there. For starters, it’s itchy. And when it gets wet it stays wet. And wet wool smells funny. And by “funny” I mean “like pure evil.” With today’s synthetics there’s no reason to have a stitch of filthy, stinking wool on you. So buy a man-made fleece jacket and welcome the cold knowing you’re not bringing those conniving sheep a hoof step closer to world domination.