We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. So there.
Clause 1 All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States, which shall consist of a Senate and House of Representatives. Superpowers will not be granted by anyone in Congress.
Clause 1 The House of Representatives shall be composed of Members chosen every second Year by the People of the several States, and the Electors in each State shall have the Qualifications requisite for Electors of the most numerous Branch of the State Legislature. The capitalization of words like Member, Qualifications and Electors will make the Words resonate with Greater Importance, thereby making them more official.
Clause 2 No Person shall be a Representative who shall not have attained to the Age of twenty five Years, or until four years after the legal drinking age. Whichever comes first. They must also attain seven Years a Citizen of the United States, and shall not, when elected, be an Inhabitant of that State in which he shall be chosen. Special Favor is granted if their name is John, James, or something less common, like Ulysses.
Clause 3 Representatives and direct Taxes shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of free Persons, including those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons, the actual Enumeration shall be made within three Years after the first Meeting of the Congress of the United States, and within every subsequent Term of ten Years, in such Manner as they shall by Law direct. Can you believe that whole thing was only one sentence? The Number of Representatives shall not exceed one for every thirty Thousand, but each State shall have at Least one Representative; and until such enumeration shall be made, the State of New Hampshire shall be entitled to chuse three, Massachusetts eight, Rhode Island and Providence Plantations one, Connecticut five, New York six, New Jersey four, Pennsylvania eight, Delaware one, Maryland six, Virginia ten, North Carolina five, South Carolina five, and Georgia three. This shall be the longest paragraph in this Constitution of the United States, though there may be bigger ones in forthcoming Amendments, because there may be longer words in the future.
Clause 4 Those elected to the House shall be gluttons for soundbites and media attention of any kind, When vacancies happen in the Representation from any State, the Executive Authority thereof shall issue Writs of Election to fill such Vacancies. Capitalization of the word “vacancies” shall be random and without sense. The word “Vacancies” will not be confused with “vaccines,” which derive the root from the Latin word for cow and have not yet been invented.
Clause 4.5 There shall be the occasional half clause, which will be of lesser value of a full clause, but not be considered worthless, as one would consider a small stone in a field worthless, unless of course that small stone was made of a semiprecious material, in which case the stone we are comparing it to would be of greater value.
Clause 5 The House of Representatives shall chuse their Speaker and other Officers; and shall have the sole Power of Impeachment, which will be rare but exciting to watch, we assure you.
Clause 1 There will be many clauses.
Clause 2 The Senate of the United States shall be composed of two Senators from each State, chosen by the Legislature thereof, for six Years; and each Senator shall have one Vote. Even the fat ones. And ones with both sets of sex organs.
Clause 3 Immediately after they shall be assembled in Consequence of the first Election, they shall be divided as equally as may be into three Classes. The Seats of the Senators of the first Class shall be vacated at the Expiration of the second Year, of the second Class at the Expiration of the fourth Year, and of the third Class at the Expiration of the sixth Year, so that one third may be chosen every second Year; and if Vacancies happen by Resignation, or otherwise, during the Recess of the Legislature of any State, the Executive thereof may make temporary Appointments until the next Meeting of the Legislature, which shall then fill such Vacancies.
Clause 4 No Person shall be a Senator who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty Years, and been nine Years a Citizen of the United States, and who shall not, when elected, have both sets of sex organs.
Clause 5 The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no Vote, unless they be equally divided.
Clause 6 The Senate shall choose their other Officers, and also a President pro tempore, in the Absence of the Vice President, not to be confused with a pre tempura, which is the course you eat before eating Japanese style fried foods.
Clause 7 At this point you should be realizing that the Constitution, in its unblemished entirety, will not be available on the site. If you are really interested in reading the entire constitution, then I suggest you Google “Text” and “U.S. Constitution.” The first link will give you most of it, but there are the occasional misspellings. Senate, Official Electorate. Blah Blah Blah. Chopper.
Clause 8 Judgment in Cases of Impeachment shall not extend further than to removal from Office. Judgment isn’t really a good quality anyway. Why don’t you point that cutting wit onto yourself.
Clause 1 The Times, Places and Manner of holding Elections for Senators and Representatives, shall be prescribed in each State by the Legislature thereof; but the Congress may at any time by Law make or alter such Regulations, except as to the Places of chusing Senators. That spelling of choose is not a typo, but it is apparently how they spelled it back in the day. I considered changing them all, but chused not to change it.
Clause 2 If forgot to mention that if you were interested in reading the entire text, I totally respect that, but you may want to consider a singles service or something. You only get one chance to live, and as much as I think a passion of knowing your country’s founding document is important, I think that good company, a full stomach, and a nicely mixed cocktail is also important from time to time.
Clause 1 Have you considered traveling anywhere? Maybe all you need is a change of scenery. Mix things up a little.
Clause 2 Each House shall be the Judge of the Elections, Returns and the Qualifications of its own Members, and a Majority of each shall constitute a Quorum (which is an awesome word in our opinion) to do Business; but a smaller Number may adjourn from day to day, and may be authorized to compel the Attendance of absent Members, in such Manner, and under such Penalties as each House may provide.
Clause 3 Are you at work or something? It dawned on me that maybe you arenÕt lonely or need to travel. Maybe you need to find something else. Something more fulfilling. You’re clearly not engaged in what you’re doing there, and would probably be happier making less money doing something else. Just don’t start a restaurant. Those have such a high failure rate that youÕll probably lose your shirt.
Clause 4 Don’t get me wrong, I love to cook and all, and there’s nothing better than a good restaurant, but being told by your friends that you are a great host and love to cook does not a restaurant owner make.
Clause 5 You should also avoid starting a catering business. There are already too many of those.
Clause 1 For a quick and easy appetizer take some fresh endive leaves and spread a moderate amount of Boursin on it. It is elegant looking, easy to arrange, and will be eaten in any crowd. Even ones that drink bland domestic beer and fear salad. It is a pretty versatile cheese actually. Check out their website for more recipes.
Clause 2 Maybe you should try and learn something new instead of reading this. There has to be a few things that you have yet to look up online that you’ve always wondered about. Can’t think of anything. How about the platypus? They’re mammals but they lay eggs. Weird huh? Australia is full of weird stuff like that. What makes it a mammal is that the females have milk producing mammary glands, which leads one to ask, “How exactly does a platypus suckle?” There, now youÕve got something to Google.